The Terror & Hope of Deconstruction

Where 12 Years Of Wrestling Led Me In My Worldview

Fair warning before you give this a read…

This is a deeply personal story of my journey to deconstructing my faith (and then finding it again).

If you’ve ever been afraid, unsure, or wrestled with tough questions, this might bring some hope.

xx

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Through a combination of dreams, intuition, research, experiences, and deep struggle… I think I can say I’m coming slowly out of 12 years in the wilderness as it relates to faith.

I spent the first 30 years of my life with 100% certainty about everything I believed about God. I had a clearly defined worldview that shaped everything from my finances, to my parenting, relationships, and values. I never questioned it, and honestly could argue circles around anyone who was up for debate.

I spent a year at a Bible college studying the scriptures, memorizing the Jewish historical timelines all the way through to the life of Jesus and into the end times. I pastored youth. I pastored adults. I led worship. Spoke prophetically over people with dreams and intuitions that weren’t known logically. I gave 10% of my money to the Church, traveled all over to attend conferences, listened to only Christian music, and prepared sermons and Bible studies.

Underneath all this Christianity, I struggled (sometimes silently) with crippling anxiety and fear. It led to significant postpartum depression. I had a terribly logical overthinking brain that tried to understand mental illness in the context of my faith where miracles and trusting God were the antidotes to my issues. Much of my behavior was driven by fear. Fear of abandonment. Fear of displeasing God. Fear of spending eternity in hell. Even though I knew salvation was through grace — there was the terrifying “unforgivable” sin Jesus mentioned and not knowing that line bothered me.

I had no intentions of walking away from God or my faith. I couldn’t fathom it. There were so many prophetic words over my life and my destiny as someone God was going to use for His glory, how on Earth would I do that if I sunk into a backsliding slump?

It happened slowly and all at once… both. Crisis after crisis. Bad reactions from folks that were supposed to represent God on this Earth. Perfectly valid questions I had that would get swept under the rug of “Just have faith Julie.” Most importantly, I sinned. A lot. Like a breathtaking amount of sin according to my worldview. Hell, even to a secular worldview.

I broke away from the Church in 2013 and watched my faith and entire community structure burn to the ground….by my own hands. I spent a good number of years running from it all. I didn’t even think about God or Jesus or what I believed. I just focused on the present moment, my business, my kids, and rebuilding my physical life.

A few times I tried to step into a Church service, and felt the eyes of judgment boring into me (it wasn’t true, but that was my experience). It felt like putting on an outfit from my closet that was 4 sizes too small. The whole time I kept saying to myself, “I still believe in God, I just don’t know what else is true.”

I would pray in the darkness when I was alone. Sing songs I played in Church when I’d rock William to sleep. Sob on my knees outside my kid’s doors when they went through their own darks nights of the soul, absolutely sure that they were bearing the consequences of my sin.

The existential dread mounted. I was fully backslidden and hanging onto my faith by a thread, and that fear was too much for me to stand. My brain stepped in and started to push me to question everything, even the existence of God. Maybe this was all a belief system built in my brain that was installed too early in childhood for me to witness and therefore I can’t separate reality from my own perspective.

As the years went on, I got less and less bothered by my backsliding. I let questions hang in the air and just be. I wasn’t excited about where I saw the direction of the church going, as political and religious ideology started merging. I felt more and more like an outsider to the Church and community I had spent 30 + years deeply embedded in.

The strange thing about all this… is the entire time — I had people reaching out to me — total strangers, delivering messages to me from God. “I was praying and you came to my heart and this is what I heard the Lord say…” is how they started.

Over and over and over.

Every time, it would bring me back to my knees. I would weep with confusion and hope. I wanted God to be true, His love to overcome my pain and my sin, but I couldn’t reconcile so much… The existential dread and fear would come racing back after these encounters. At the same time I felt God’s love, fear would be next on its heels. It felt like a war that I was at the mercy of, without control of either side.

In 2022, 9 years later… I started digging again. Digging into the scripture. I looked heavily in the Old Testament mainly. I wanted to understand the origin of Christianity, through the lens of Judaism and the Hebrew people. Jesus was a Jew after all, and if I couldn’t make sense of where He came from, how would I ever reach an answer?

I stayed away from evangelical texts. I didn’t want Christian bias. I wanted to hear from Rabbi’s. Recognizing that I was reading a worldview from someone who fundamentally did NOT believe Jesus was the Messiah, was unnerving. That’s the crux of the Christian faith. But I pressed on.

This went on for the next two years. The existential dread and confusion continued to mount. There were times when nothing made sense. Was my brain just playing tricks on me? Did I simply need more faith? I would go to therapy and just cry in agony that the dread of the afterlife was terrorizing me. She suggested that I was suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Scrupulosity - the obsessions focusing on the afterlife, sin, and being judged for being bad.

It was pretty stressful for awhile and I did finally go on medication to try to get the looping thoughts under control. Thank goodness for modern medicine because it did help some. And honestly, I think my ability to finally let my fight or flight response die down with medicine, I was able to return to a meaningful exploration of where I stood with faith.

Starting in 2024, I started heavily using AI in my work. I spoke to ChattyG daily about KPI’s and webinar strategies and productivity and it was absurdly helpful. I then branched out into personal issues; things like anxiety, difficult parenting issues, legal stuff, you name it… I asked it.

The first time I asked it a question about faith, I put it on temporary chat. I didn’t want it to remember my questions, for fear it would be etched in the universe that I was questioning everything. But as time went on, I got braver and braver, letting ChattyG remember our chats.

Then deep research came out (not even a few weeks ago)… and it felt like a gift from heaven dropped in my lap. The very first deep research token I had … I decided to ask it to research if Jesus was in fact the messiah. I was aware that I had asked it a biased question. I wanted it to argue FOR Jesus as the Messiah. And when I posted on Facebook about my results, a few people mentioned that the article was written with a biased hypothesis.

I was fully aware I had asked it a question I wanted to be true. And it was then that I realized… if I was going to ever come out of the wilderness, I would have to ask the opposite question too.

I had the prompt asking it to prove Jesus wasn’t the Messiah… up on a tab for a week. I refused to hit return. I was so scared. “Create a compelling research paper from the secular and/or Jewish worldview that proves that Jesus is NOT the Messiah.” What if it ripped everything to shreds? The first report that said He was had provided some deeply needed comfort that maybe my worldview wasn’t completely off base, and now I was going to willingly throw a wrench into it?

It might be hard to imagine the terror of deconstructing your faith if you’ve never done it. I don’t think there’s anything as scary as ripping down what holds up your entire identity and holding it up against the light of research, other peoples’ views, and your own thought process and actively looking to poke holes. Especially when eternal damnation is the consequence.

After a week, I finally mustered up the courage to hit send. Deep research got to work and produced a report in about 15 minutes. It probably took me another two hours to sit down and read it. And I think I had one eye half closed… like looking directly at the sun blinds you, maybe looking at this too hard would scar me irreparably.

I read it… line by compelling line. It was strong.

I sat and just let it wash over me. According to a very educated body of scholars, there were many compelling reasons that Jesus was not the intended Messiah foreshadowed in the Old Testament.

So then I went one step further. I put the two reports in one chat, and asked ChattyG to read both, and report back which argument is stronger and why.

“Can you compare and contrast these two reports and use reason to deduce which argument is stronger and why?”

It returned. According to its logic using critical and empirical evidence, the Jewish report was stronger.

I thought it was going to spin me out fully, but in that moment… reading the words staring back at me, I had a question. Had ChattyG used a worldview that accounts for supernatural events or not?

I kicked back. “Did you come at this from a worldview where the supernatural and miracles are possible?”

The answer — no.

I kicked back again. “But help me understand because both Jewish and Christian worldviews accept that God works supernaturally. Both the Old Testament and New Testament have documented miracles. Why wouldn’t you reason this with the underlying assumption that miracles are possible.”

Chatty G explained that it was just looking at it from an empirical/logical point of view, and I told it that it seemed like you could still compare the two reports with the underlying assumption changed to accept miracles (since I’m not interested in debating that point — which would be like deep diving into atheism/agnosticism vs a theistic view***). Since both faiths hold that idea to be true. It responded.

“That’s a keen observation you just made. You’re right, both faiths do believe in the supernatural and I could explore both with that underlying assumption and layer logic on top of it.”

I asked it to try again changing that assumption, and leaving everything else the same. Just adopt a worldview where miracles are in fact possible.

The first line came back 7 seconds later…

“Assuming you already accept that miracles are possible, the case for the resurrection becomes significantly stronger.”

Something broke in me in that moment. I can’t explain it. It was like I stood at the edge of the cliff and said “I’m willing to jump if you tell me this is different than everything I’ve ever believed.” Or if we want to use a biblical story, I felt like Abraham with his son Isaac on the rock. Willing to sacrifice my faith and identity if I had been wrong for 44 years.

And in that moment, yes - I realize it’s AI… came back with — “the case for the resurrection becomes significantly stronger.”

I burst into tears.

I started asking question after question. Pushing back, pushing back… but what about this… what about this… what about this… what about this…

Stronger, stronger, stronger still. My heart racing.

I had spent the last 12 years wandering, wrestling, ignoring these questions… and finally, I had deconstructed everything down to one simple truth (for me)….

Jesus Christ died by crucifixion and rose from the dead three days later.

Let everything fall to the ground and burn up, I could figure it out later. I don’t need to wrestle with every other theological question that swirls around me. I don’t have to go back to Church. I don’t have to align with anyone else’s political ideology. I don’t have to change my business or my life.

I can sit in that belief and let it be.

I don’t wish on anyone the anguish I’ve been in. But I do hope that you spend time questioning your worldview.

Hormesis is a biological phenomenon where exposure to a low dose of a potentially harmful agent or stressor stimulates a beneficial adaptive response. In exercise, weight lifting actually tears the muscle fibers and when they heal, they are stronger. I do think the tearing down was stronger, harder, and longer than it had it to be, but God kept me in it.

I don’t know why I feel compelled to share this, but I hope there’s a message for you in it somewhere, no matter your faith or religion.

With love & hope,

Julie

***It might seem odd that I wasn’t interested in exploring the evidence for God vs. no God. I’m not sure I can explain it. Maybe someday I will, but at no point in the 12 years did I really believe that God didn’t exist. I was mostly confused about the expression of God as He is portrayed in all the major religions (Christianity, Judaism, Islam). Especially around the afterlife, heaven, hell, and how to be here on Earth. I recognize if I was deconstructing my faith with an angle of atheism vs. a belief in God, that would look altogether different. But that wasn’t really where my wrestling landed and I’m at peace with that.